On Election Day 2016, think of me

In honor of the election coming up, I decided I'd promote myself via this blog as a candidate for president.

     Dear citizens of the world, (although if you are not a U.S. citizen you don't get the opportunity to vote for me, however I'll send you posters of myself to put up in American bars and restaurants abroad so you still feel involved in my campaign) I am Erin and I am the best choice for president in the 2016 election. As president, I cannot actually make anybody promises to do anything. Being the president of the U.S. means that basically I have a thousand people smarter than myself looking over my shoulder and criticizing everything I do. I have spoken to former presidents before and they all say that sucks, especially when the people around you have been up all night dealing with a crisis and haven't had the opportunity to shower or brush their teeth.
    So instead of making promises, here are some things that I want to do, and hopefully you believe I can do:
    - I'd like to delegate all non-domestic issues to NATO. I think they have done a good job in the past, and I like the premise they were founded on. To clarify, it is not that I don't care about international issues, its just I think things like that are global issues and not just a problem for America and its allies to take on single-handedly. We've got our own shit going on too. Sorry bro.
    - I'd like to find out who is the best world leader. To do this, I will try to set up a special "World Leaders" season of the hit show "Survivor" with no voting people off. The idea is to make it kind-of like The Hunger Games. The winner gets an awesome t-shirt signed by everyone in the world. (Please work on your extremely small penmanship), and the losers die.
    -I will be spending a lot of my time as president with the FDA people. Together we will find a way to manufacture calorie-free macaroni and cheese.
    -Every U.S. citizen will continued to be required to pay taxes. (Sorry people). However, those taxes will go to NASA, social services, the FDA, the arts, medical research and my salary.
    -I want to be clear about a very important point that takes up a lot of conversation in bars. I will NOT be legalizing marijuana. As president, I will veto it every time. I hate the smell, and high people act like retards, and I just can't have all the FDA people eating the calorie-free mac and cheese. I know this will be disappointing to a lot of people. As a compromise, there will be no jail time for smoking pot, however you will get ticketed with a hefty fine for smoking it in public. There will only be jail time for selling pot to teenagers and kids, coming to work high, or driving high. Again, sorry bro.
    -I promise to cry on the job...frequently. I know that some people see crying as a sign of weakness, especially if you are a woman at work, however I think if you are president, it is important to cry. You don't want a president giving a speech to the country about global tragedies and feel absolutely nothing. I feel a lot. I am also on new birth control, so I feel more than usual. Expect me to cry at the sad stuff, and at the hard stuff. Remember, crying wont effect my ability to make decisions, I have hundreds of people working for me to do that very thing.

   In conclusion, I think after hearing (reading) my speech, I'm sure we are all in agreement that I, Erin, am the best possible candidate for president. Please vote for me 2016. I will be 33 by that time, and probably much much more mature.