In honor of the election coming up, I decided I'd promote myself via this blog as a candidate for president.
Dear citizens of the world, (although if you are not a U.S. citizen you don't get the opportunity to vote for me, however I'll send you posters of myself to put up in American bars and restaurants abroad so you still feel involved in my campaign) I am Erin and I am the best choice for president in the 2016 election. As president, I cannot actually make anybody promises to do anything. Being the president of the U.S. means that basically I have a thousand people smarter than myself looking over my shoulder and criticizing everything I do. I have spoken to former presidents before and they all say that sucks, especially when the people around you have been up all night dealing with a crisis and haven't had the opportunity to shower or brush their teeth.
So instead of making promises, here are some things that I want to do, and hopefully you believe I can do:
- I'd like to delegate all non-domestic issues to NATO. I think they have done a good job in the past, and I like the premise they were founded on. To clarify, it is not that I don't care about international issues, its just I think things like that are global issues and not just a problem for America and its allies to take on single-handedly. We've got our own shit going on too. Sorry bro.
- I'd like to find out who is the best world leader. To do this, I will try to set up a special "World Leaders" season of the hit show "Survivor" with no voting people off. The idea is to make it kind-of like The Hunger Games. The winner gets an awesome t-shirt signed by everyone in the world. (Please work on your extremely small penmanship), and the losers die.
-I will be spending a lot of my time as president with the FDA people. Together we will find a way to manufacture calorie-free macaroni and cheese.
-Every U.S. citizen will continued to be required to pay taxes. (Sorry people). However, those taxes will go to NASA, social services, the FDA, the arts, medical research and my salary.
-I want to be clear about a very important point that takes up a lot of conversation in bars. I will NOT be legalizing marijuana. As president, I will veto it every time. I hate the smell, and high people act like retards, and I just can't have all the FDA people eating the calorie-free mac and cheese. I know this will be disappointing to a lot of people. As a compromise, there will be no jail time for smoking pot, however you will get ticketed with a hefty fine for smoking it in public. There will only be jail time for selling pot to teenagers and kids, coming to work high, or driving high. Again, sorry bro.
-I promise to cry on the job...frequently. I know that some people see crying as a sign of weakness, especially if you are a woman at work, however I think if you are president, it is important to cry. You don't want a president giving a speech to the country about global tragedies and feel absolutely nothing. I feel a lot. I am also on new birth control, so I feel more than usual. Expect me to cry at the sad stuff, and at the hard stuff. Remember, crying wont effect my ability to make decisions, I have hundreds of people working for me to do that very thing.
In conclusion, I think after hearing (reading) my speech, I'm sure we are all in agreement that I, Erin, am the best possible candidate for president. Please vote for me 2016. I will be 33 by that time, and probably much much more mature.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Spooky! HALLOWEEN! LOL! OMG- I heart Edward Cullen!!!
An important part of growing up, as I understand it, is acting like an adult. This, of course, does not mean we aren't all children at heart, however it does mean that in some places adults should behave as such.
Once of these places is in the workplace. This, in my opinion, is why Halloween decorations in an office is completely unacceptable. Unless there are kids coming to the office, or if you work in the medical field, specifically one that caters to pediatrics, Halloween decorations are a no go.
I have always hated Halloween. It scares me. I think people in masks are creepy and I try to avoid Halloween parades or crowded bars on the holiday because if I were to kill someone, I would do it on Halloween. Think about it. Let's say you, the victim, or if you didn't survive long enough to talk to the police, the witnesses would tell them "Oh, we were all just standing there and out of nowhere Richard Nixxon came and stabbed her". Not very helpful.
Other Halloween costumes without masks are fine, who cares? Sometimes they are funny. Masks should be outlawed.
Back to my original point, Halloween decorations in an office are unacceptable unless they are funny and you work in a funny environment.
One co-worker that I already hated, I call her Wigface, has decorated her tiny office with fake spiderwebs with spiders, a plastic glowing pumpkin, a kindergarten classroom's decoration of a ghost saying "Spooooky!" and a witch hat on her bookshelf. Listen bitch, it was bad enough when you hung up the "Team Edward" calendar in your office in full view of everyone that walked by, but now you should be fired. (For those of you that don't know, that includes you my 1 reader from South Korea: Edward is the sparkling vampire from the teen sensation book series and movies, The Twilight Saga).
Ugh, I want to punch her so badly.
The Halloween decorations I hate the most are the ones that make noises. It is so annoying walking into work to punch in and tripping the sensor that makes a severed head on the shelf scream at me. First of all, it scares me every time. Not once have I not jumped a little bit. Second of all, it must be annoying for the people in the surrounding offices when they are on the phone trying to work and someone walks by and hears a woman screaming for her life. If I were on the other end of that phone line, I would hang up for sure.
I suppose Halloween decorations I would find OK for the office would be where someone spent a lot of money and turned their bosses' head into a plastic replica severed head that serves candy. That would be funny, assuming the boss had a sense of humor. It would also be funny as a Halloween practical joke, if someone hired a person dressed up as a ghost to punch Wigface in the face at my office. If you are interested, please email me and I will give you the address. (Don't worry about punching the wrong person, she is about 35, really petite, and half her body weight is in her hair which she styles like Jon Benet Ramsey every morning. Her hair sticks out from her face for about 6 inches all around before gravity sets in and falls down her back. I'm pretty sure I saw glitter extensions in her hair this morning as well.)
Once of these places is in the workplace. This, in my opinion, is why Halloween decorations in an office is completely unacceptable. Unless there are kids coming to the office, or if you work in the medical field, specifically one that caters to pediatrics, Halloween decorations are a no go.
I have always hated Halloween. It scares me. I think people in masks are creepy and I try to avoid Halloween parades or crowded bars on the holiday because if I were to kill someone, I would do it on Halloween. Think about it. Let's say you, the victim, or if you didn't survive long enough to talk to the police, the witnesses would tell them "Oh, we were all just standing there and out of nowhere Richard Nixxon came and stabbed her". Not very helpful.
Other Halloween costumes without masks are fine, who cares? Sometimes they are funny. Masks should be outlawed.
Back to my original point, Halloween decorations in an office are unacceptable unless they are funny and you work in a funny environment.
One co-worker that I already hated, I call her Wigface, has decorated her tiny office with fake spiderwebs with spiders, a plastic glowing pumpkin, a kindergarten classroom's decoration of a ghost saying "Spooooky!" and a witch hat on her bookshelf. Listen bitch, it was bad enough when you hung up the "Team Edward" calendar in your office in full view of everyone that walked by, but now you should be fired. (For those of you that don't know, that includes you my 1 reader from South Korea: Edward is the sparkling vampire from the teen sensation book series and movies, The Twilight Saga).
Ugh, I want to punch her so badly.
The Halloween decorations I hate the most are the ones that make noises. It is so annoying walking into work to punch in and tripping the sensor that makes a severed head on the shelf scream at me. First of all, it scares me every time. Not once have I not jumped a little bit. Second of all, it must be annoying for the people in the surrounding offices when they are on the phone trying to work and someone walks by and hears a woman screaming for her life. If I were on the other end of that phone line, I would hang up for sure.
I suppose Halloween decorations I would find OK for the office would be where someone spent a lot of money and turned their bosses' head into a plastic replica severed head that serves candy. That would be funny, assuming the boss had a sense of humor. It would also be funny as a Halloween practical joke, if someone hired a person dressed up as a ghost to punch Wigface in the face at my office. If you are interested, please email me and I will give you the address. (Don't worry about punching the wrong person, she is about 35, really petite, and half her body weight is in her hair which she styles like Jon Benet Ramsey every morning. Her hair sticks out from her face for about 6 inches all around before gravity sets in and falls down her back. I'm pretty sure I saw glitter extensions in her hair this morning as well.)
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Lost Part 2
I'd like to amend my earlier statement. After the plane landed the pilot announces that the co-pilot was invited to try out for the show Survivor, so... Maybe he would have lived, but only if he killed the kids from The Shining.
In a flight where everyone was sleeping, I sat next to two old lady friends who talked the whole time. The one next to me was the person on the plane who claps when the plane lands...literally she was the only one to clap.
When I asked the flight attendant for a blanket and the FA said she didn't have one but she could talk to the pilot and see if he could adjust the temperature of the cabin, the lady next to me said well I'm boiling in here, don't do that for just one person and proceeded to wake people up around her to ask them if they were hot. Obviously she disregarded that I told the flight attendant that it wasn't a big deal.
The people behind me also deserved a slap to the face. They decided they'd be flight friends and discussed their life stories for about 3 hours. The guy had a hearing aide so insisted that she speak loudly and he screamed himself.
At least with babies you know the crying will eventually stop. With old people though, it never ends until they fall asleep. The flight was at 7am which is the witching hour for old people. They usually don't fall asleep again till about 3.
Had my flight landed on an island, I can genuinely say that my wish would have been not to survive the landing.
In a flight where everyone was sleeping, I sat next to two old lady friends who talked the whole time. The one next to me was the person on the plane who claps when the plane lands...literally she was the only one to clap.
When I asked the flight attendant for a blanket and the FA said she didn't have one but she could talk to the pilot and see if he could adjust the temperature of the cabin, the lady next to me said well I'm boiling in here, don't do that for just one person and proceeded to wake people up around her to ask them if they were hot. Obviously she disregarded that I told the flight attendant that it wasn't a big deal.
The people behind me also deserved a slap to the face. They decided they'd be flight friends and discussed their life stories for about 3 hours. The guy had a hearing aide so insisted that she speak loudly and he screamed himself.
At least with babies you know the crying will eventually stop. With old people though, it never ends until they fall asleep. The flight was at 7am which is the witching hour for old people. They usually don't fall asleep again till about 3.
Had my flight landed on an island, I can genuinely say that my wish would have been not to survive the landing.
Lost
How come whenever I board a plane, I am travelling with people that I'm 100% sure couldn't survive on an island.
Since the show "Lost" I'm pretty sure everyone who has seen it looks around and measures up the people in the waiting area to board to see who will be Jack's character or John's.
I'd like to say I would be the Kate character on this flight. Realistically, I know I'm to lazy to always volunteer for hikes and track people by looking at broken sticks. Plus, I have bad knees. Maybe I'm more like Claire who eventually goes crazy.
On this flight to Newark, NJ we have 2 bimbos who would be the tied for the "Shanon" character. One of them is actually wearing a "I'm in Miami bitch!" T-shirt.
The flight is full of old people so they would die for sure. Got a few short Asians to play out the "Jin and Sun" story but it doesn't seem like any of them speak English, are in love, or are attractive.
There is one mildly attractive blonde guy who is about 25 and seems like he would survive. I guess I'd pick him as the guy I'd do.
I think if I survived a crash on a desert island, we would all die. There seems to be a capable-looking captain (but the captain always dies in plane crashes on TV, they do this because everyone on the flight would ultimately murder him/her for crashing in the first place) and one athletic black guy that might be able to survive, but otherwise we are doomed. If we don't die in the crash, we will for sure be killed by the very creepy bleach blonde identical twin boys on this flight. My island scenario is Lost meets the shining.
Since the show "Lost" I'm pretty sure everyone who has seen it looks around and measures up the people in the waiting area to board to see who will be Jack's character or John's.
I'd like to say I would be the Kate character on this flight. Realistically, I know I'm to lazy to always volunteer for hikes and track people by looking at broken sticks. Plus, I have bad knees. Maybe I'm more like Claire who eventually goes crazy.
On this flight to Newark, NJ we have 2 bimbos who would be the tied for the "Shanon" character. One of them is actually wearing a "I'm in Miami bitch!" T-shirt.
The flight is full of old people so they would die for sure. Got a few short Asians to play out the "Jin and Sun" story but it doesn't seem like any of them speak English, are in love, or are attractive.
There is one mildly attractive blonde guy who is about 25 and seems like he would survive. I guess I'd pick him as the guy I'd do.
I think if I survived a crash on a desert island, we would all die. There seems to be a capable-looking captain (but the captain always dies in plane crashes on TV, they do this because everyone on the flight would ultimately murder him/her for crashing in the first place) and one athletic black guy that might be able to survive, but otherwise we are doomed. If we don't die in the crash, we will for sure be killed by the very creepy bleach blonde identical twin boys on this flight. My island scenario is Lost meets the shining.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Match.com Gems
I haven't written much recently mostly because I haven't wanted to. Also, because I have been busy. To catch you up, I got into school. I am getting a surgery in the end of November that will change my life, I have a new pimple I am not proud of, and I am single.
There, I think we are caught up.
Recently I joined Match.com. This has been a interesting experience so far.
The first challenge is building your profile. They ask you a lot of questions. Some questions are general like "Do you have kids?" some are boring questions like "Whats your favorite movie?" and then there are a lot that are massively specific and personal such as 'What is your blood type?" and "List your approximate bathroom schedule". When I was filling out the profile, the one thing that made me believe in the Match.com system was a little check box in the section of "what you look for in a mate" that says "Deal breaker".
This deal breaker option gave me hope. I thought if I clicked it, that those deal breaker guys wouldn't be able to find me. Not true, not true at all.
You think after answering all these questions, you'd find someone out there you might like. This has been my experience:
*One guy emailed me saying: (in reference to one picture of mine where my tongue is out) "Put that tongue away or I'll...LOL!"
- What the fuck does that even mean? Or you'll cut it off? Rub something against it? Jack off? One thing I can tell you about that email...I didn't "LOL" at all.
*One of my matches was my friend's ex-boyfriend. Not only did he lie about his age, his martial history, and the fact that he does have a kid, he was also a psychotic drug-abusing, physically abusive douche bag. (I did LOL when I saw his profile come up).
*I don't know if I am allowed to attach pictures of people on my blog, and to avoid being too mean, I wont do it however, I was emailed by a black guy with a huge combed out afro with an entirely gold grill. His picture looked like he was in jail and about to pull out his shank to stab me. His email was something along the lines of "Sup gurl. Youz hot!" Another one was a guy with a full on mullet. I didn't even bother reading his email.
*My favorite match so far??? Ready for this? This is exactly what he wrote in the "IN HIS OWN WORDS" section about himself (note: all grammatical errors here are his and not mine):
"I'm new in Miami. I'm open-minded, funny, interesting and intelligent guy...once you get to know me. I own few web businesses, that allows me to live anywhere in the world. I go to gym regulary, I like to go to the beach, reading books, watching movies... and doing stupid things somethimes. I also love traveling and I do that quite often. I'm looking for friends or a girlfriend perhaps. I'm into transesexual girls."
Words cant describe how much I love this guy's profile. Did he "wink" at me cause he thinks I'm a tranny? Who knows. Gotta love the Internet. Really looking forward to spending a lot of money on this site to get more of these winners.
There, I think we are caught up.
Recently I joined Match.com. This has been a interesting experience so far.
The first challenge is building your profile. They ask you a lot of questions. Some questions are general like "Do you have kids?" some are boring questions like "Whats your favorite movie?" and then there are a lot that are massively specific and personal such as 'What is your blood type?" and "List your approximate bathroom schedule". When I was filling out the profile, the one thing that made me believe in the Match.com system was a little check box in the section of "what you look for in a mate" that says "Deal breaker".
This deal breaker option gave me hope. I thought if I clicked it, that those deal breaker guys wouldn't be able to find me. Not true, not true at all.
You think after answering all these questions, you'd find someone out there you might like. This has been my experience:
*One guy emailed me saying: (in reference to one picture of mine where my tongue is out) "Put that tongue away or I'll...LOL!"
- What the fuck does that even mean? Or you'll cut it off? Rub something against it? Jack off? One thing I can tell you about that email...I didn't "LOL" at all.
*One of my matches was my friend's ex-boyfriend. Not only did he lie about his age, his martial history, and the fact that he does have a kid, he was also a psychotic drug-abusing, physically abusive douche bag. (I did LOL when I saw his profile come up).
*I don't know if I am allowed to attach pictures of people on my blog, and to avoid being too mean, I wont do it however, I was emailed by a black guy with a huge combed out afro with an entirely gold grill. His picture looked like he was in jail and about to pull out his shank to stab me. His email was something along the lines of "Sup gurl. Youz hot!" Another one was a guy with a full on mullet. I didn't even bother reading his email.
*My favorite match so far??? Ready for this? This is exactly what he wrote in the "IN HIS OWN WORDS" section about himself (note: all grammatical errors here are his and not mine):
"I'm new in Miami. I'm open-minded, funny, interesting and intelligent guy...once you get to know me. I own few web businesses, that allows me to live anywhere in the world. I go to gym regulary, I like to go to the beach, reading books, watching movies... and doing stupid things somethimes. I also love traveling and I do that quite often. I'm looking for friends or a girlfriend perhaps. I'm into transesexual girls."
Words cant describe how much I love this guy's profile. Did he "wink" at me cause he thinks I'm a tranny? Who knows. Gotta love the Internet. Really looking forward to spending a lot of money on this site to get more of these winners.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
To my reader who is in love with an Albanian guy...
I just noticed I have 10 new readers from Latvia and one from Pakistan. The latest keyword search that found my blog:
"in love albanian guy"
My advice is if you are in love with an Albanian guy, it is likely he is NOT in love with you. I am in no means successful with a large range of men, but something about me is like Albanian fly paper. I literally had crowds of them following me around in Italy. In fact, I almost got banned from my favoirte bar there because the owner didn't like that I was bringing in the wrong crowd- despite my insitance that they were in no way invited by me, they just stalked me on a regualar basis.
If you want an Albanian guy to love you, make sure you have a vagina and ignore them completely. It helps if you also don't have a language in common. The more impossible it is to have any foundation for a even midly-successful relationship while still remaining female is the best way to guarentee they will love you forever.
I havent been back to Italy since 2004 and I still get a yearly call from my Albanian "boyfriend" of a month or so. All he says when I pick up the phone is "erin" (it sounds more like ewewin) and then he stays silent on the phone until either I hang up or he loses credit and the call ends. That my friend is Albanian love.
"in love albanian guy"
My advice is if you are in love with an Albanian guy, it is likely he is NOT in love with you. I am in no means successful with a large range of men, but something about me is like Albanian fly paper. I literally had crowds of them following me around in Italy. In fact, I almost got banned from my favoirte bar there because the owner didn't like that I was bringing in the wrong crowd- despite my insitance that they were in no way invited by me, they just stalked me on a regualar basis.
If you want an Albanian guy to love you, make sure you have a vagina and ignore them completely. It helps if you also don't have a language in common. The more impossible it is to have any foundation for a even midly-successful relationship while still remaining female is the best way to guarentee they will love you forever.
I havent been back to Italy since 2004 and I still get a yearly call from my Albanian "boyfriend" of a month or so. All he says when I pick up the phone is "erin" (it sounds more like ewewin) and then he stays silent on the phone until either I hang up or he loses credit and the call ends. That my friend is Albanian love.
First thing tomorrow...
About once a week I think "I should really get started on my book...first thing tomorrow". I have a lot of these right before I fall asleep ideas. Some others that I am sure other people share are "As of tomorrow, I am not eating any food" or "Starting tomorrow I will go back to the gym" and "Starting tomorrow I am going to convince my parole officer that I deserve to join the McDonald's management program".
The problem about most of these late-night ambitions is that tomorrow happens, and you prefer to have the day you had yesterday than starting doing something new that will suck. Even if it is good for you, your family, your country or humanity, sometimes being indulgent is just more fun.
Starting a book for example, would not be hard for me to do. I basically don't do anything all day. I would have to set up a new Word document, format it and give a title separator like "Chapter One". You don't even have to give the book a title yet. If I did just that, I would have officially started the book I want to write. That 5 minutes of setting up the document formatting would be enough for me to not do anything on the book for a full year because at that point I would have already started it. I just can't bring myself to do it.
The real reason I don't write a book, is that I am lazy. Here are my concerns:
-Do I need to map out the plot of the book.
-Do I need to spend time creating a personality for each main character and develop it?
-Do I need to do any research into the time period of the story? Probably, right?
-How much time is that going to take before I actually start writing?
-Is anyone committed enough to read multiple drafts of my book? (That's an easy answer, I don't think my mom would even do that.)
At this moment, listing the 5 concerns I have is definitely the most progress I have made on my book.
To answer your question, no, my book wouldn't be about me. It wouldn't even be loosely based on my life. Let's be honest, I may have a few good stories here and there but I probably wouldn't want to read about them and I lived them first-hand. The book of my stories would read much like the book "I hope they serve beer in hell". (Terrible book).
At one point I was convinced I was going to write a book about one crazy weekend I had in Florence when I was studying abroad. I think I actually did write a chapter or two of that book on a private Live Journal account. The book was going to be called "48 hours i basta". The problem with this idea was the great stories starting from that weekend continued and I had to change the name to "72 hours i basta" then "one week i basta" and so on. It lost its appeal.
The book I want to write about would be a narrative of love and two people's drive to stay together in the face of political and social adversity. I know this sounds like a common story, however I imagine it much more romantic then "The Notebook". The real tragedy is that I will never write it. Instead I will post blogs about fart jokes and all the unacceptable things I encounter on a daily basis. These things keep me distracted and that is was keeps me writing to all 5 of you.
It would be so much easier and more graatifying to live in someone else's body and feel the joy of things like when that person finishes and sells their first novel, goes to the gym, or even has a really satisfying poop.
The problem about most of these late-night ambitions is that tomorrow happens, and you prefer to have the day you had yesterday than starting doing something new that will suck. Even if it is good for you, your family, your country or humanity, sometimes being indulgent is just more fun.
Starting a book for example, would not be hard for me to do. I basically don't do anything all day. I would have to set up a new Word document, format it and give a title separator like "Chapter One". You don't even have to give the book a title yet. If I did just that, I would have officially started the book I want to write. That 5 minutes of setting up the document formatting would be enough for me to not do anything on the book for a full year because at that point I would have already started it. I just can't bring myself to do it.
The real reason I don't write a book, is that I am lazy. Here are my concerns:
-Do I need to map out the plot of the book.
-Do I need to spend time creating a personality for each main character and develop it?
-Do I need to do any research into the time period of the story? Probably, right?
-How much time is that going to take before I actually start writing?
-Is anyone committed enough to read multiple drafts of my book? (That's an easy answer, I don't think my mom would even do that.)
At this moment, listing the 5 concerns I have is definitely the most progress I have made on my book.
To answer your question, no, my book wouldn't be about me. It wouldn't even be loosely based on my life. Let's be honest, I may have a few good stories here and there but I probably wouldn't want to read about them and I lived them first-hand. The book of my stories would read much like the book "I hope they serve beer in hell". (Terrible book).
At one point I was convinced I was going to write a book about one crazy weekend I had in Florence when I was studying abroad. I think I actually did write a chapter or two of that book on a private Live Journal account. The book was going to be called "48 hours i basta". The problem with this idea was the great stories starting from that weekend continued and I had to change the name to "72 hours i basta" then "one week i basta" and so on. It lost its appeal.
The book I want to write about would be a narrative of love and two people's drive to stay together in the face of political and social adversity. I know this sounds like a common story, however I imagine it much more romantic then "The Notebook". The real tragedy is that I will never write it. Instead I will post blogs about fart jokes and all the unacceptable things I encounter on a daily basis. These things keep me distracted and that is was keeps me writing to all 5 of you.
It would be so much easier and more graatifying to live in someone else's body and feel the joy of things like when that person finishes and sells their first novel, goes to the gym, or even has a really satisfying poop.
Friday, October 5, 2012
The Asshole Theory
One of the more frustrating things I hear guys say is that girls only are attracted to assholes.
I find this theory confusing. Where I believe there is some truth to girls not being attracted to total saps, I do not believe that rules out nice guys. I think ultimately girls do want nice guys. No one really wants a guy who is a dick to them all the time.
What gets confusing is how can one determine if the guy is just acting like an asshole to attract a girl based on the asshole theory? Is the guy genuinely an asshole?
Drawing from the personal experiences I have had and those from my friends, here are some true stories that I have tried to figure out where the guy falls on the asshole meter.
*When I was in Florence, I was working promoting a bar/restaurant by passing flyers out around the Duomo in the center of the city to make extra money. What my friend and I would do was literally walk in circles around the church all day. Although I must admit sometimes we would just find a far away trash can and throw them away and hang out for the rest of the day. After a few days of working we got a following of creepy Italian/Albanian guys that would follow us in circles. Sometimes we would give them flyers to pass out since they were stalking us anyway. One guy decided he was in love with me. After work we went to the restaurant we were promoting with our stalkers for a drink. We had one drink with them. This guy was literally just staring at me and occasionally asking for my number. My friend, to be funny gave it to him. She has an interesting idea of what funny is. He called me everyday multiple times a day. The first few calls were him asking me out or asking to come over and me saying no. After those he would just call me and play American love songs over the phone (mostly because we didn't really speak the same language). He would call me from many different numbers to avoid me not picking up the phone. A few days later, this guy's friend sees me working and tells me to please go out with his friend because he has gone on a hunger strike until I went out with him or kissed him...something like that. A day or so after that and many music phone serenades later, he calls me telling me he is very hungry. He sent me a picture of his room where he had hung about 50 or so of the flyers we gave him to pass out as a shrine to me. I told the guy he should start eating again because I had recently realized that I was in love with my coworker and I needed to explore the fact that I may be a lesbian. This didn't work so stopped answering the phone to any number and just avoided him while working. This guy does not fall into the nice guy category. This guy is a total sap, thus being unattractive to most women.
*I have heard many variations to this story from different friends. I have my own variation of this story as well. Guys who take you out on dates, you have a decent to good time. At the end of the night, you kiss. The guy decides he doesn't want to stop at kissing, the girl decides that she wants to wait. Then the guy gets angry and calls the girl fat or makes a comment about how he wasn't really interested in them anyway because she was too fat for him. (This has happened to at least 3 of my friends). I have also heard of guys that a girl was dating who after the charm of a new romance moved on the guy said things like "I like you because you are good lay" and then commented about how they were too fat. This is the guy who is genuinely an asshole but at other times is a good guy which perpetuates the theory that girls only like assholes. This guy just confuses girls because they start off nice and romantic but throw in asshole commentary and the girl has to determine where to draw the line.
*I honestly do not have any stories to tell about myself or friends who have dated guys that were assholes from start to finish. Mostly because they met the guy, thought he was an asshole or mean and didn't see them again. Maybe there may have been one "still trying to figure it out" date, but that was it. *Case and point, girls do not like assholes. Guys only think that because they don't see the full story about how nice the guy was in the beginning and only see the ending where the guy was an asshole, they assume that the guy was ALWAYS an asshole. Not true.
*One of my very attractive, smart and cool friends was telling me about the guy she has started dating. I asked her what she liked about him and her only response was "He is literally the nicest guy I have ever met. He is genuinely a good person which is hard to find and I love that about him." Since I know this guy, I can vouch that he is a good person. He is not a sap about her or about anything too worldly. He has a good sense of humor and is not like a puppy dog about her, but obviously cares for her. This is the guy that every girl wants!!!
To every guy's credit, girls sometimes stay with assholes longer than they should. Once the guy has blown his "nice guy" cover, it can be hard to break up with him. One theory that is true is that every girl does believe deep down inside that she can get a guy to change. Not necessarily entirely but enough to revert him back to where he used to be that attracted her to him in the first place. This is a problem that is hard to overcome and perpetuates the asshole theory.
My advice to men: If you are an asshole, show that from the beginning and let me decide whether or not that is something I can handle or am attracted to. Don't act like an asshole if you know you are not one and it feels wrong. If sappy ideas ever come up in your head, maybe keep them to yourself. There is a difference between saying "you look beautiful tonight" and "wow, are you real? I feel like I'm living in a dream...".
I find this theory confusing. Where I believe there is some truth to girls not being attracted to total saps, I do not believe that rules out nice guys. I think ultimately girls do want nice guys. No one really wants a guy who is a dick to them all the time.
What gets confusing is how can one determine if the guy is just acting like an asshole to attract a girl based on the asshole theory? Is the guy genuinely an asshole?
Drawing from the personal experiences I have had and those from my friends, here are some true stories that I have tried to figure out where the guy falls on the asshole meter.
*When I was in Florence, I was working promoting a bar/restaurant by passing flyers out around the Duomo in the center of the city to make extra money. What my friend and I would do was literally walk in circles around the church all day. Although I must admit sometimes we would just find a far away trash can and throw them away and hang out for the rest of the day. After a few days of working we got a following of creepy Italian/Albanian guys that would follow us in circles. Sometimes we would give them flyers to pass out since they were stalking us anyway. One guy decided he was in love with me. After work we went to the restaurant we were promoting with our stalkers for a drink. We had one drink with them. This guy was literally just staring at me and occasionally asking for my number. My friend, to be funny gave it to him. She has an interesting idea of what funny is. He called me everyday multiple times a day. The first few calls were him asking me out or asking to come over and me saying no. After those he would just call me and play American love songs over the phone (mostly because we didn't really speak the same language). He would call me from many different numbers to avoid me not picking up the phone. A few days later, this guy's friend sees me working and tells me to please go out with his friend because he has gone on a hunger strike until I went out with him or kissed him...something like that. A day or so after that and many music phone serenades later, he calls me telling me he is very hungry. He sent me a picture of his room where he had hung about 50 or so of the flyers we gave him to pass out as a shrine to me. I told the guy he should start eating again because I had recently realized that I was in love with my coworker and I needed to explore the fact that I may be a lesbian. This didn't work so stopped answering the phone to any number and just avoided him while working. This guy does not fall into the nice guy category. This guy is a total sap, thus being unattractive to most women.
*I have heard many variations to this story from different friends. I have my own variation of this story as well. Guys who take you out on dates, you have a decent to good time. At the end of the night, you kiss. The guy decides he doesn't want to stop at kissing, the girl decides that she wants to wait. Then the guy gets angry and calls the girl fat or makes a comment about how he wasn't really interested in them anyway because she was too fat for him. (This has happened to at least 3 of my friends). I have also heard of guys that a girl was dating who after the charm of a new romance moved on the guy said things like "I like you because you are good lay" and then commented about how they were too fat. This is the guy who is genuinely an asshole but at other times is a good guy which perpetuates the theory that girls only like assholes. This guy just confuses girls because they start off nice and romantic but throw in asshole commentary and the girl has to determine where to draw the line.
*I honestly do not have any stories to tell about myself or friends who have dated guys that were assholes from start to finish. Mostly because they met the guy, thought he was an asshole or mean and didn't see them again. Maybe there may have been one "still trying to figure it out" date, but that was it. *Case and point, girls do not like assholes. Guys only think that because they don't see the full story about how nice the guy was in the beginning and only see the ending where the guy was an asshole, they assume that the guy was ALWAYS an asshole. Not true.
*One of my very attractive, smart and cool friends was telling me about the guy she has started dating. I asked her what she liked about him and her only response was "He is literally the nicest guy I have ever met. He is genuinely a good person which is hard to find and I love that about him." Since I know this guy, I can vouch that he is a good person. He is not a sap about her or about anything too worldly. He has a good sense of humor and is not like a puppy dog about her, but obviously cares for her. This is the guy that every girl wants!!!
To every guy's credit, girls sometimes stay with assholes longer than they should. Once the guy has blown his "nice guy" cover, it can be hard to break up with him. One theory that is true is that every girl does believe deep down inside that she can get a guy to change. Not necessarily entirely but enough to revert him back to where he used to be that attracted her to him in the first place. This is a problem that is hard to overcome and perpetuates the asshole theory.
My advice to men: If you are an asshole, show that from the beginning and let me decide whether or not that is something I can handle or am attracted to. Don't act like an asshole if you know you are not one and it feels wrong. If sappy ideas ever come up in your head, maybe keep them to yourself. There is a difference between saying "you look beautiful tonight" and "wow, are you real? I feel like I'm living in a dream...".
Monday, October 1, 2012
Rhett Part 2
I was so excited Rhett had kissed me. A part of me really wanted to date him and a part of me was really intimidated by him and was afraid he thought I was dumb. He had multiple personalities. Sometimes he seemed really impressed by me and he liked me a lot. Other times he seemed frustrated by me and how little I knew about random facts.
The next time, post kiss, that I saw Rhett, we were in our usual coffee place. I was excited to see him to see how everything was going to play out. He seemed a little giddy as well. We start talking, and then he announces he is bisexual.
Whatever amount of turned on I was suddenly dropped into the negative numbers. For anyone who knows me, you know I have very little filter from what I say in my head to what comes out of my mouth. So, naturally I said "eww, gross". Both he and I were shocked my response.
He then goes on to tell me how he came to explore bi-sexuality. I am fully looking around and planning a quick exit strategy. Unfortunately for Rhett, and all the other bisexuals I encounter, I don't believe in bi-sexuality. I don't believe in the gray area as a state of permanent existence. Here are my reasons (I also explained this to Rhett, and as you might imagine they were not well received):
-I have never met an adult bi-sexual who was with someone and still identified themselves as bi-sexual. They claimed to be bi in their youth, but was either gay or straight later on in life.
-I don't think experimenting with the same sex in your youth makes you bi-sexual.
-I think that its entirely possible to be straight and fall in love with someone of the same sex at one point in your life without meaning that you were always bisexual.
-Pretty much nobody from the gay or straight community wants to date a self-proclaimed bisexual.
-I think when one walks into a room and is single and looking around, you know inherently what you are looking for.
-I can understand bi-sexuality when it refers to just sex, in which case, the person probably just really wants to/needs to get laid. Maybe a self-confidence issue? Just not when it refers to dating or love.
-Finally, I think bi-sexual males are gay.
Sorry if this offends anyone, it is my blog, and it is a reflection of what my opinion is.
When I left Rhett that night (no kiss), I had to think about whether I could handle dating someone who was bi-sexual. To me, that was worse that all the other red flags combined. He texted me a few times after that, I saw him once or twice, but I had moved on. He had too...probably to date some really fascinating intellectual boy whose resume in Rhett's connections journal took up a full page. I wonder if Rhett put hearts around the guy's information.
In case you are wondering, yes, I have tried to look up Rhett on Facebook to see where he is in the world today (and whether or not he is gay) and he is not on Facebook. Shocker! Probably too low-brow for him. I'll let you know if I find him on linked-in.
The next time, post kiss, that I saw Rhett, we were in our usual coffee place. I was excited to see him to see how everything was going to play out. He seemed a little giddy as well. We start talking, and then he announces he is bisexual.
Whatever amount of turned on I was suddenly dropped into the negative numbers. For anyone who knows me, you know I have very little filter from what I say in my head to what comes out of my mouth. So, naturally I said "eww, gross". Both he and I were shocked my response.
He then goes on to tell me how he came to explore bi-sexuality. I am fully looking around and planning a quick exit strategy. Unfortunately for Rhett, and all the other bisexuals I encounter, I don't believe in bi-sexuality. I don't believe in the gray area as a state of permanent existence. Here are my reasons (I also explained this to Rhett, and as you might imagine they were not well received):
-I have never met an adult bi-sexual who was with someone and still identified themselves as bi-sexual. They claimed to be bi in their youth, but was either gay or straight later on in life.
-I don't think experimenting with the same sex in your youth makes you bi-sexual.
-I think that its entirely possible to be straight and fall in love with someone of the same sex at one point in your life without meaning that you were always bisexual.
-Pretty much nobody from the gay or straight community wants to date a self-proclaimed bisexual.
-I think when one walks into a room and is single and looking around, you know inherently what you are looking for.
-I can understand bi-sexuality when it refers to just sex, in which case, the person probably just really wants to/needs to get laid. Maybe a self-confidence issue? Just not when it refers to dating or love.
-Finally, I think bi-sexual males are gay.
Sorry if this offends anyone, it is my blog, and it is a reflection of what my opinion is.
When I left Rhett that night (no kiss), I had to think about whether I could handle dating someone who was bi-sexual. To me, that was worse that all the other red flags combined. He texted me a few times after that, I saw him once or twice, but I had moved on. He had too...probably to date some really fascinating intellectual boy whose resume in Rhett's connections journal took up a full page. I wonder if Rhett put hearts around the guy's information.
In case you are wondering, yes, I have tried to look up Rhett on Facebook to see where he is in the world today (and whether or not he is gay) and he is not on Facebook. Shocker! Probably too low-brow for him. I'll let you know if I find him on linked-in.
Elevator Chat
On my way to work, I ran into this guy in the elevator. Just yesterday I was talking to friends about how friendly people in my building are to eachother in the elevator, and we agreed that its ok to be friendly in the afternoon, but in the mornings it's alot to ask.
The guy this morning (whom I have never met or seen before) walks in, and this was our conversation:
Me: Hi
Guy: You tired?
Me: Yeah, it's Monday.
Guy: Judging by the look on your face, you didn't win the lottery for us. I was really looking forward to it.
Me: Maybe next Monday.
Guy: You and I made a deal that we spilt it 50/50 right?
Me: (Confused silence)
Guy: Don't take that money and run girl, I know where you live.
Me: I wouldn't do that to you.
Guy: I know, I'm sorry I was just really counting on that money for us so we wouldnt have to work this week.
Me: I know me too. Why am I always the one buying the tickets? To me, that doesnt seem to justify a 50/50 split.
Guy: You're right, I'll get one for us next weekend.
***Elevator arrives at my garage level***
Me: Have a good day.
Guy: You too.
That was unexpected and fun. Thank you guy you made my morning.
The guy this morning (whom I have never met or seen before) walks in, and this was our conversation:
Me: Hi
Guy: You tired?
Me: Yeah, it's Monday.
Guy: Judging by the look on your face, you didn't win the lottery for us. I was really looking forward to it.
Me: Maybe next Monday.
Guy: You and I made a deal that we spilt it 50/50 right?
Me: (Confused silence)
Guy: Don't take that money and run girl, I know where you live.
Me: I wouldn't do that to you.
Guy: I know, I'm sorry I was just really counting on that money for us so we wouldnt have to work this week.
Me: I know me too. Why am I always the one buying the tickets? To me, that doesnt seem to justify a 50/50 split.
Guy: You're right, I'll get one for us next weekend.
***Elevator arrives at my garage level***
Me: Have a good day.
Guy: You too.
That was unexpected and fun. Thank you guy you made my morning.
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