Was that you?

It just wouldn't be me if I didn't have at least one post entirely about farts. Here are a few of my all time favorites:

- I was walking to my appartment in Brooklyn with a friend of mine. We approached a very business looking guy with a long coat listening to his headphones. (I am laughing histerically as I type this out) We approach the guy from behind waiting for an opportunity to cross the street. It had never been more quiet outside in the streets of Brooklyn. My friend and I stop being him, he farts. Loud and long. My face turns to utter shock, I am about to burst out in laughter. Then the guy lets out a loud and short follow up fart. I am about to spontaneously combust. I turn to my friend, his face is classic. His face is surprised yet also shows a hint of concern that I will not be able to handle the situation. I begin to laugh out loud. The guy turns around and looks at us, obviously embarrassed. I look at my friend to hold my laughter in, my friend looks at the guy, shrugs his shoulders as if to say "It happens to the best of us man". The guy practically runs across the street. I immediately start crying at the whole exchange- it's like it was too funny to bother laughing I had to skip to the tears of laughter. I recall my freshman year in college, 2 days after moving to New York and a friend I had met was sitting with me outside our dorm. He turns to me and says- "New York is great, it probably the only place in the world you can fart on the street unnoticed." The guy in Brooklyn was obviously a repeat offender to not have looked back to see if anyone was behind him before he farted. He was caught and I didn't stop laughing/crying for at least an hour.

- Some farts aren't funny. This story still bothers me. At work we have a valet for the building. I Valeted my car in the morning. When I give him the ticket to retrieve my car, he drives I back to me with all the windows open (odd). I step into my car and was overwhelmed by the smell of fart...almost like he had sharted in my car. He knew he did it, the windows were down, I knew he did it- but at this point there is nothing I can do about it. I can't get out of the car and wait I out, that would be embarrassing for him. So instead I am forced to drive away smelling in his farts. As a valet, I'm pretty sure it's understood that you fart on the way to the car and not in it. That was unacceptable. He didn't get a tip from me for a week after that one.

-I believed this has happened at least once to everyone of age. The inevitable sex fart. I'm not talking queefs, I'm talking about getting into having sex with someone and someone farts. This has happened to a partner of mine. Maybe a cooler, more mature girl can handle it. I cannot. If we are going to get down, you cannot fart. If I hear it, I will not be able to stop laughing. That's it for you. I wont describe who or how, but it's happened and I know it was bad for the guy. Nothing worse than a girl laughing at you uncontrollably, when you are naked and shutting all doors to the possibility. Sorry man, leave your farts at the door.

-My friend and I were in her kitchen late at night. She was talking all night about how her mom had made some awesome pie and she hoped her brothers didn't eat it all before she came home. Basically, we came home early for the pie. There was one slice left, and i have never before or since seen her so excited. She takes a slice and puts it on a paper plate. She takes one bite holding the pie with her hands and then drops it on the floor. We both start laughing incredibly hard. She then farts in her laughter. I'm already laughing so hard the fart puts me over the edge and I peed my pants. Good times.

- When I was about 16 or so I was the state representative to a steering committee for a young religious Unitarian group. I was in a steering committee meeting that had been going on for at least an hour. We were in a small room, people were sitting on the floor, sofas and the occasional chair. Here we are talking about serious issues...and then came the fart. No one laughed, we kept discussing the issues at hand. Everyone had assumed it was a chair on the linoleum floor. About a solid minute later, the wacky kinda funny guy interrupts the conversation and said "Excuse me that was me". It was like he farted, waited to see if it smelled, then when he discovered it did, he decided to own up to it. It was hilarious. He was so calm and straight forward. Everyone in the room had a good laugh... The laugh lasted about 1-2 minutes. I just could not stop laughing, it just kept replaying in my head. I would calm down and then start back up again. Long story short, I was asked to leave the meeting about 30 minutes later.

I'm sorry folks, I can't help it. There is nothing funnier to me than farts. The noise, the smell, the embarrassment, the who did it aspect, the admission from the culprit, the various victims. It's all just too funny. And yes, my friends and family are frequently embarrassed by my immaturity regarding this issue.