I have gone girl crazy. I'm pretty sure every girl knows what I am talking about because they have been through it before. I'm even more sure guys know what I am talking about and have been victimized by girl craziness.
Girl Crazy basically happens when you are female and are bored, have PMS, are sad, are on birth control, like a boy or are lonely.
Some of the side-effects of girl crazy are:
-Sending the one extra text you know you shouldn't have sent.
-Mentioning something about the life you are envisioning with someone you just met.
-Starting a fight with a male for no reason.
-Starting a fight with your boyfriend cause your friend's boyfriend did something really romantic for your friend.
-Over-analyzing every conversation you have had.
-Lying about something of absolutely no consequence.
-Being mad at a significant other for a poor choice they made in a dream you had.
-Becoming irrationally insecure, needy, or jealous.
-Facebook stalking.
-Wanting to maim or kill another girl for no reason other than she may be a threat.
What sucks about catching girl craziness, at least for me, is there is a rational person inside my head who is intelligent, confident, and cool who knows exactly what to do and what not to do. I don't know what happens exactly, maybe I have had some drinks, maybe I am tired or bored, but that rational cool girl completely goes to hide in a closet just long enough to allow me to do or say something stupid. Then she comes back out just after the deed is done.
There is no debate in my head about whether or not I should do or say something. I just do it, knowing in the back of my mind I shouldn't, then instantly realize it was a mistake.
That is girl crazy.
I must say, the accessibility and immediateness of text messages makes this more possible. Being able to stare at your phone for hours just to come up with something crazy to send to someone is just too easy. People that used to be cool, like myself, instantly become complete retards.
Guys beware. Give us second chances, not all of us are crazy. Technology has just made it soooo easy to throw out whatever red flags we have long before you are willing to accept them.
No, I am not going to tell my story of how I went crazy, just know that I did. It didn't have a good result. Girls, try to maintain a rational mind as much as you can.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
On Election Day 2016, think of me
In honor of the election coming up, I decided I'd promote myself via this blog as a candidate for president.
Dear citizens of the world, (although if you are not a U.S. citizen you don't get the opportunity to vote for me, however I'll send you posters of myself to put up in American bars and restaurants abroad so you still feel involved in my campaign) I am Erin and I am the best choice for president in the 2016 election. As president, I cannot actually make anybody promises to do anything. Being the president of the U.S. means that basically I have a thousand people smarter than myself looking over my shoulder and criticizing everything I do. I have spoken to former presidents before and they all say that sucks, especially when the people around you have been up all night dealing with a crisis and haven't had the opportunity to shower or brush their teeth.
So instead of making promises, here are some things that I want to do, and hopefully you believe I can do:
- I'd like to delegate all non-domestic issues to NATO. I think they have done a good job in the past, and I like the premise they were founded on. To clarify, it is not that I don't care about international issues, its just I think things like that are global issues and not just a problem for America and its allies to take on single-handedly. We've got our own shit going on too. Sorry bro.
- I'd like to find out who is the best world leader. To do this, I will try to set up a special "World Leaders" season of the hit show "Survivor" with no voting people off. The idea is to make it kind-of like The Hunger Games. The winner gets an awesome t-shirt signed by everyone in the world. (Please work on your extremely small penmanship), and the losers die.
-I will be spending a lot of my time as president with the FDA people. Together we will find a way to manufacture calorie-free macaroni and cheese.
-Every U.S. citizen will continued to be required to pay taxes. (Sorry people). However, those taxes will go to NASA, social services, the FDA, the arts, medical research and my salary.
-I want to be clear about a very important point that takes up a lot of conversation in bars. I will NOT be legalizing marijuana. As president, I will veto it every time. I hate the smell, and high people act like retards, and I just can't have all the FDA people eating the calorie-free mac and cheese. I know this will be disappointing to a lot of people. As a compromise, there will be no jail time for smoking pot, however you will get ticketed with a hefty fine for smoking it in public. There will only be jail time for selling pot to teenagers and kids, coming to work high, or driving high. Again, sorry bro.
-I promise to cry on the job...frequently. I know that some people see crying as a sign of weakness, especially if you are a woman at work, however I think if you are president, it is important to cry. You don't want a president giving a speech to the country about global tragedies and feel absolutely nothing. I feel a lot. I am also on new birth control, so I feel more than usual. Expect me to cry at the sad stuff, and at the hard stuff. Remember, crying wont effect my ability to make decisions, I have hundreds of people working for me to do that very thing.
In conclusion, I think after hearing (reading) my speech, I'm sure we are all in agreement that I, Erin, am the best possible candidate for president. Please vote for me 2016. I will be 33 by that time, and probably much much more mature.
Dear citizens of the world, (although if you are not a U.S. citizen you don't get the opportunity to vote for me, however I'll send you posters of myself to put up in American bars and restaurants abroad so you still feel involved in my campaign) I am Erin and I am the best choice for president in the 2016 election. As president, I cannot actually make anybody promises to do anything. Being the president of the U.S. means that basically I have a thousand people smarter than myself looking over my shoulder and criticizing everything I do. I have spoken to former presidents before and they all say that sucks, especially when the people around you have been up all night dealing with a crisis and haven't had the opportunity to shower or brush their teeth.
So instead of making promises, here are some things that I want to do, and hopefully you believe I can do:
- I'd like to delegate all non-domestic issues to NATO. I think they have done a good job in the past, and I like the premise they were founded on. To clarify, it is not that I don't care about international issues, its just I think things like that are global issues and not just a problem for America and its allies to take on single-handedly. We've got our own shit going on too. Sorry bro.
- I'd like to find out who is the best world leader. To do this, I will try to set up a special "World Leaders" season of the hit show "Survivor" with no voting people off. The idea is to make it kind-of like The Hunger Games. The winner gets an awesome t-shirt signed by everyone in the world. (Please work on your extremely small penmanship), and the losers die.
-I will be spending a lot of my time as president with the FDA people. Together we will find a way to manufacture calorie-free macaroni and cheese.
-Every U.S. citizen will continued to be required to pay taxes. (Sorry people). However, those taxes will go to NASA, social services, the FDA, the arts, medical research and my salary.
-I want to be clear about a very important point that takes up a lot of conversation in bars. I will NOT be legalizing marijuana. As president, I will veto it every time. I hate the smell, and high people act like retards, and I just can't have all the FDA people eating the calorie-free mac and cheese. I know this will be disappointing to a lot of people. As a compromise, there will be no jail time for smoking pot, however you will get ticketed with a hefty fine for smoking it in public. There will only be jail time for selling pot to teenagers and kids, coming to work high, or driving high. Again, sorry bro.
-I promise to cry on the job...frequently. I know that some people see crying as a sign of weakness, especially if you are a woman at work, however I think if you are president, it is important to cry. You don't want a president giving a speech to the country about global tragedies and feel absolutely nothing. I feel a lot. I am also on new birth control, so I feel more than usual. Expect me to cry at the sad stuff, and at the hard stuff. Remember, crying wont effect my ability to make decisions, I have hundreds of people working for me to do that very thing.
In conclusion, I think after hearing (reading) my speech, I'm sure we are all in agreement that I, Erin, am the best possible candidate for president. Please vote for me 2016. I will be 33 by that time, and probably much much more mature.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Spooky! HALLOWEEN! LOL! OMG- I heart Edward Cullen!!!
An important part of growing up, as I understand it, is acting like an adult. This, of course, does not mean we aren't all children at heart, however it does mean that in some places adults should behave as such.
Once of these places is in the workplace. This, in my opinion, is why Halloween decorations in an office is completely unacceptable. Unless there are kids coming to the office, or if you work in the medical field, specifically one that caters to pediatrics, Halloween decorations are a no go.
I have always hated Halloween. It scares me. I think people in masks are creepy and I try to avoid Halloween parades or crowded bars on the holiday because if I were to kill someone, I would do it on Halloween. Think about it. Let's say you, the victim, or if you didn't survive long enough to talk to the police, the witnesses would tell them "Oh, we were all just standing there and out of nowhere Richard Nixxon came and stabbed her". Not very helpful.
Other Halloween costumes without masks are fine, who cares? Sometimes they are funny. Masks should be outlawed.
Back to my original point, Halloween decorations in an office are unacceptable unless they are funny and you work in a funny environment.
One co-worker that I already hated, I call her Wigface, has decorated her tiny office with fake spiderwebs with spiders, a plastic glowing pumpkin, a kindergarten classroom's decoration of a ghost saying "Spooooky!" and a witch hat on her bookshelf. Listen bitch, it was bad enough when you hung up the "Team Edward" calendar in your office in full view of everyone that walked by, but now you should be fired. (For those of you that don't know, that includes you my 1 reader from South Korea: Edward is the sparkling vampire from the teen sensation book series and movies, The Twilight Saga).
Ugh, I want to punch her so badly.
The Halloween decorations I hate the most are the ones that make noises. It is so annoying walking into work to punch in and tripping the sensor that makes a severed head on the shelf scream at me. First of all, it scares me every time. Not once have I not jumped a little bit. Second of all, it must be annoying for the people in the surrounding offices when they are on the phone trying to work and someone walks by and hears a woman screaming for her life. If I were on the other end of that phone line, I would hang up for sure.
I suppose Halloween decorations I would find OK for the office would be where someone spent a lot of money and turned their bosses' head into a plastic replica severed head that serves candy. That would be funny, assuming the boss had a sense of humor. It would also be funny as a Halloween practical joke, if someone hired a person dressed up as a ghost to punch Wigface in the face at my office. If you are interested, please email me and I will give you the address. (Don't worry about punching the wrong person, she is about 35, really petite, and half her body weight is in her hair which she styles like Jon Benet Ramsey every morning. Her hair sticks out from her face for about 6 inches all around before gravity sets in and falls down her back. I'm pretty sure I saw glitter extensions in her hair this morning as well.)
Once of these places is in the workplace. This, in my opinion, is why Halloween decorations in an office is completely unacceptable. Unless there are kids coming to the office, or if you work in the medical field, specifically one that caters to pediatrics, Halloween decorations are a no go.
I have always hated Halloween. It scares me. I think people in masks are creepy and I try to avoid Halloween parades or crowded bars on the holiday because if I were to kill someone, I would do it on Halloween. Think about it. Let's say you, the victim, or if you didn't survive long enough to talk to the police, the witnesses would tell them "Oh, we were all just standing there and out of nowhere Richard Nixxon came and stabbed her". Not very helpful.
Other Halloween costumes without masks are fine, who cares? Sometimes they are funny. Masks should be outlawed.
Back to my original point, Halloween decorations in an office are unacceptable unless they are funny and you work in a funny environment.
One co-worker that I already hated, I call her Wigface, has decorated her tiny office with fake spiderwebs with spiders, a plastic glowing pumpkin, a kindergarten classroom's decoration of a ghost saying "Spooooky!" and a witch hat on her bookshelf. Listen bitch, it was bad enough when you hung up the "Team Edward" calendar in your office in full view of everyone that walked by, but now you should be fired. (For those of you that don't know, that includes you my 1 reader from South Korea: Edward is the sparkling vampire from the teen sensation book series and movies, The Twilight Saga).
Ugh, I want to punch her so badly.
The Halloween decorations I hate the most are the ones that make noises. It is so annoying walking into work to punch in and tripping the sensor that makes a severed head on the shelf scream at me. First of all, it scares me every time. Not once have I not jumped a little bit. Second of all, it must be annoying for the people in the surrounding offices when they are on the phone trying to work and someone walks by and hears a woman screaming for her life. If I were on the other end of that phone line, I would hang up for sure.
I suppose Halloween decorations I would find OK for the office would be where someone spent a lot of money and turned their bosses' head into a plastic replica severed head that serves candy. That would be funny, assuming the boss had a sense of humor. It would also be funny as a Halloween practical joke, if someone hired a person dressed up as a ghost to punch Wigface in the face at my office. If you are interested, please email me and I will give you the address. (Don't worry about punching the wrong person, she is about 35, really petite, and half her body weight is in her hair which she styles like Jon Benet Ramsey every morning. Her hair sticks out from her face for about 6 inches all around before gravity sets in and falls down her back. I'm pretty sure I saw glitter extensions in her hair this morning as well.)
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Lost Part 2
I'd like to amend my earlier statement. After the plane landed the pilot announces that the co-pilot was invited to try out for the show Survivor, so... Maybe he would have lived, but only if he killed the kids from The Shining.
In a flight where everyone was sleeping, I sat next to two old lady friends who talked the whole time. The one next to me was the person on the plane who claps when the plane lands...literally she was the only one to clap.
When I asked the flight attendant for a blanket and the FA said she didn't have one but she could talk to the pilot and see if he could adjust the temperature of the cabin, the lady next to me said well I'm boiling in here, don't do that for just one person and proceeded to wake people up around her to ask them if they were hot. Obviously she disregarded that I told the flight attendant that it wasn't a big deal.
The people behind me also deserved a slap to the face. They decided they'd be flight friends and discussed their life stories for about 3 hours. The guy had a hearing aide so insisted that she speak loudly and he screamed himself.
At least with babies you know the crying will eventually stop. With old people though, it never ends until they fall asleep. The flight was at 7am which is the witching hour for old people. They usually don't fall asleep again till about 3.
Had my flight landed on an island, I can genuinely say that my wish would have been not to survive the landing.
In a flight where everyone was sleeping, I sat next to two old lady friends who talked the whole time. The one next to me was the person on the plane who claps when the plane lands...literally she was the only one to clap.
When I asked the flight attendant for a blanket and the FA said she didn't have one but she could talk to the pilot and see if he could adjust the temperature of the cabin, the lady next to me said well I'm boiling in here, don't do that for just one person and proceeded to wake people up around her to ask them if they were hot. Obviously she disregarded that I told the flight attendant that it wasn't a big deal.
The people behind me also deserved a slap to the face. They decided they'd be flight friends and discussed their life stories for about 3 hours. The guy had a hearing aide so insisted that she speak loudly and he screamed himself.
At least with babies you know the crying will eventually stop. With old people though, it never ends until they fall asleep. The flight was at 7am which is the witching hour for old people. They usually don't fall asleep again till about 3.
Had my flight landed on an island, I can genuinely say that my wish would have been not to survive the landing.
Lost
How come whenever I board a plane, I am travelling with people that I'm 100% sure couldn't survive on an island.
Since the show "Lost" I'm pretty sure everyone who has seen it looks around and measures up the people in the waiting area to board to see who will be Jack's character or John's.
I'd like to say I would be the Kate character on this flight. Realistically, I know I'm to lazy to always volunteer for hikes and track people by looking at broken sticks. Plus, I have bad knees. Maybe I'm more like Claire who eventually goes crazy.
On this flight to Newark, NJ we have 2 bimbos who would be the tied for the "Shanon" character. One of them is actually wearing a "I'm in Miami bitch!" T-shirt.
The flight is full of old people so they would die for sure. Got a few short Asians to play out the "Jin and Sun" story but it doesn't seem like any of them speak English, are in love, or are attractive.
There is one mildly attractive blonde guy who is about 25 and seems like he would survive. I guess I'd pick him as the guy I'd do.
I think if I survived a crash on a desert island, we would all die. There seems to be a capable-looking captain (but the captain always dies in plane crashes on TV, they do this because everyone on the flight would ultimately murder him/her for crashing in the first place) and one athletic black guy that might be able to survive, but otherwise we are doomed. If we don't die in the crash, we will for sure be killed by the very creepy bleach blonde identical twin boys on this flight. My island scenario is Lost meets the shining.
Since the show "Lost" I'm pretty sure everyone who has seen it looks around and measures up the people in the waiting area to board to see who will be Jack's character or John's.
I'd like to say I would be the Kate character on this flight. Realistically, I know I'm to lazy to always volunteer for hikes and track people by looking at broken sticks. Plus, I have bad knees. Maybe I'm more like Claire who eventually goes crazy.
On this flight to Newark, NJ we have 2 bimbos who would be the tied for the "Shanon" character. One of them is actually wearing a "I'm in Miami bitch!" T-shirt.
The flight is full of old people so they would die for sure. Got a few short Asians to play out the "Jin and Sun" story but it doesn't seem like any of them speak English, are in love, or are attractive.
There is one mildly attractive blonde guy who is about 25 and seems like he would survive. I guess I'd pick him as the guy I'd do.
I think if I survived a crash on a desert island, we would all die. There seems to be a capable-looking captain (but the captain always dies in plane crashes on TV, they do this because everyone on the flight would ultimately murder him/her for crashing in the first place) and one athletic black guy that might be able to survive, but otherwise we are doomed. If we don't die in the crash, we will for sure be killed by the very creepy bleach blonde identical twin boys on this flight. My island scenario is Lost meets the shining.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Match.com Gems
I haven't written much recently mostly because I haven't wanted to. Also, because I have been busy. To catch you up, I got into school. I am getting a surgery in the end of November that will change my life, I have a new pimple I am not proud of, and I am single.
There, I think we are caught up.
Recently I joined Match.com. This has been a interesting experience so far.
The first challenge is building your profile. They ask you a lot of questions. Some questions are general like "Do you have kids?" some are boring questions like "Whats your favorite movie?" and then there are a lot that are massively specific and personal such as 'What is your blood type?" and "List your approximate bathroom schedule". When I was filling out the profile, the one thing that made me believe in the Match.com system was a little check box in the section of "what you look for in a mate" that says "Deal breaker".
This deal breaker option gave me hope. I thought if I clicked it, that those deal breaker guys wouldn't be able to find me. Not true, not true at all.
You think after answering all these questions, you'd find someone out there you might like. This has been my experience:
*One guy emailed me saying: (in reference to one picture of mine where my tongue is out) "Put that tongue away or I'll...LOL!"
- What the fuck does that even mean? Or you'll cut it off? Rub something against it? Jack off? One thing I can tell you about that email...I didn't "LOL" at all.
*One of my matches was my friend's ex-boyfriend. Not only did he lie about his age, his martial history, and the fact that he does have a kid, he was also a psychotic drug-abusing, physically abusive douche bag. (I did LOL when I saw his profile come up).
*I don't know if I am allowed to attach pictures of people on my blog, and to avoid being too mean, I wont do it however, I was emailed by a black guy with a huge combed out afro with an entirely gold grill. His picture looked like he was in jail and about to pull out his shank to stab me. His email was something along the lines of "Sup gurl. Youz hot!" Another one was a guy with a full on mullet. I didn't even bother reading his email.
*My favorite match so far??? Ready for this? This is exactly what he wrote in the "IN HIS OWN WORDS" section about himself (note: all grammatical errors here are his and not mine):
"I'm new in Miami. I'm open-minded, funny, interesting and intelligent guy...once you get to know me. I own few web businesses, that allows me to live anywhere in the world. I go to gym regulary, I like to go to the beach, reading books, watching movies... and doing stupid things somethimes. I also love traveling and I do that quite often. I'm looking for friends or a girlfriend perhaps. I'm into transesexual girls."
Words cant describe how much I love this guy's profile. Did he "wink" at me cause he thinks I'm a tranny? Who knows. Gotta love the Internet. Really looking forward to spending a lot of money on this site to get more of these winners.
There, I think we are caught up.
Recently I joined Match.com. This has been a interesting experience so far.
The first challenge is building your profile. They ask you a lot of questions. Some questions are general like "Do you have kids?" some are boring questions like "Whats your favorite movie?" and then there are a lot that are massively specific and personal such as 'What is your blood type?" and "List your approximate bathroom schedule". When I was filling out the profile, the one thing that made me believe in the Match.com system was a little check box in the section of "what you look for in a mate" that says "Deal breaker".
This deal breaker option gave me hope. I thought if I clicked it, that those deal breaker guys wouldn't be able to find me. Not true, not true at all.
You think after answering all these questions, you'd find someone out there you might like. This has been my experience:
*One guy emailed me saying: (in reference to one picture of mine where my tongue is out) "Put that tongue away or I'll...LOL!"
- What the fuck does that even mean? Or you'll cut it off? Rub something against it? Jack off? One thing I can tell you about that email...I didn't "LOL" at all.
*One of my matches was my friend's ex-boyfriend. Not only did he lie about his age, his martial history, and the fact that he does have a kid, he was also a psychotic drug-abusing, physically abusive douche bag. (I did LOL when I saw his profile come up).
*I don't know if I am allowed to attach pictures of people on my blog, and to avoid being too mean, I wont do it however, I was emailed by a black guy with a huge combed out afro with an entirely gold grill. His picture looked like he was in jail and about to pull out his shank to stab me. His email was something along the lines of "Sup gurl. Youz hot!" Another one was a guy with a full on mullet. I didn't even bother reading his email.
*My favorite match so far??? Ready for this? This is exactly what he wrote in the "IN HIS OWN WORDS" section about himself (note: all grammatical errors here are his and not mine):
"I'm new in Miami. I'm open-minded, funny, interesting and intelligent guy...once you get to know me. I own few web businesses, that allows me to live anywhere in the world. I go to gym regulary, I like to go to the beach, reading books, watching movies... and doing stupid things somethimes. I also love traveling and I do that quite often. I'm looking for friends or a girlfriend perhaps. I'm into transesexual girls."
Words cant describe how much I love this guy's profile. Did he "wink" at me cause he thinks I'm a tranny? Who knows. Gotta love the Internet. Really looking forward to spending a lot of money on this site to get more of these winners.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
To my reader who is in love with an Albanian guy...
I just noticed I have 10 new readers from Latvia and one from Pakistan. The latest keyword search that found my blog:
"in love albanian guy"
My advice is if you are in love with an Albanian guy, it is likely he is NOT in love with you. I am in no means successful with a large range of men, but something about me is like Albanian fly paper. I literally had crowds of them following me around in Italy. In fact, I almost got banned from my favoirte bar there because the owner didn't like that I was bringing in the wrong crowd- despite my insitance that they were in no way invited by me, they just stalked me on a regualar basis.
If you want an Albanian guy to love you, make sure you have a vagina and ignore them completely. It helps if you also don't have a language in common. The more impossible it is to have any foundation for a even midly-successful relationship while still remaining female is the best way to guarentee they will love you forever.
I havent been back to Italy since 2004 and I still get a yearly call from my Albanian "boyfriend" of a month or so. All he says when I pick up the phone is "erin" (it sounds more like ewewin) and then he stays silent on the phone until either I hang up or he loses credit and the call ends. That my friend is Albanian love.
"in love albanian guy"
My advice is if you are in love with an Albanian guy, it is likely he is NOT in love with you. I am in no means successful with a large range of men, but something about me is like Albanian fly paper. I literally had crowds of them following me around in Italy. In fact, I almost got banned from my favoirte bar there because the owner didn't like that I was bringing in the wrong crowd- despite my insitance that they were in no way invited by me, they just stalked me on a regualar basis.
If you want an Albanian guy to love you, make sure you have a vagina and ignore them completely. It helps if you also don't have a language in common. The more impossible it is to have any foundation for a even midly-successful relationship while still remaining female is the best way to guarentee they will love you forever.
I havent been back to Italy since 2004 and I still get a yearly call from my Albanian "boyfriend" of a month or so. All he says when I pick up the phone is "erin" (it sounds more like ewewin) and then he stays silent on the phone until either I hang up or he loses credit and the call ends. That my friend is Albanian love.
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