Birthday Texts

I received the following texts last night. By far the best birthday text I have ever received.

Another Miami-ism

I'm studying for a test I have to take this week, so haven't had much time to post. Here is something I found today. Enjoy:

TV

My blog seems to be turning into a "getting to know me" forum. Wonder what my therapist would say about that. In the spirit of getting to know me and per a conversation I had about my blog earlier today, I thought I'd list all the TV shows I watch. This blog is about 4 books behind. Surprisingly enough, I read a book every few days but still manage to find time to work, watch tv and go out.

Guilty Pleasures:
16 and Pregnant
Teen Mom
Teen Mom 2
Say yes to the dress
The real L word
I didn't know I was pregnant
My Cat From Hell (or something like that)
Cake Boss
The Little Couple

Shows that are underrated:
Dr. G- Medical Examiner
Untold stories of the ER
Mystery ER
Doomsday Preppers
Bar Rescue (I want to devote a full post to this)
Flip Men
Intervention
Hoarders
Deadliest Catch

OK Shows (Now- used to be better)
Private Practice
The Office
Community
Family Guy
Futurama
Parks and Recreation


Good Shows:
Grey's Anatomy
The Big C
Dexter
True Blood
Girls
East Bound an Down
Larry David
Game of Thrones
Nurse Jackie

Best Shows on TV but now is cancelled:
Lost
Arrested Development

Best Show on TV currently: (possibly ever)
The Newsroom

That about sums it up.

Advertising

What type of advertising would make you want to buy flooring? I imagine a pictures of nice flooring would do the trick. Maybe, pictures of nice indoor and outdoor flooring with the sales guy smiling and pointing it out. Not very exciting, however definitely gets the point across. Personally an ad I would design would look like this.

A flooring company in Miami chose this as an alternative to any normal flooring ad you can think of.

I have to give credit to these guys because I always look at the sign, however, I don't get it at all. Is that Don Bailey? If so, why is he naked. You cant even see the floor on this billboard. That is just annoying.

Now, this is a sticker I saw on what I think was a handicapped or elderly transportation van. At least these guys have a sense of humor. However, I would never let them drive a loved on around.

I have no words for this other than its funny. Because I think its funny, that is obviously why handicapped people hate me.

On of my personal favorites, a soda machine that you would only see in Miami. I will leave you with this for today. Enjoy.

Thank you readers

LOL...Just had to share this. I was looking at the stats of this blog. (Thank you all 14 Russian readers! And a big FU to the 2 Signaporian (?) Singapori (?) who stopped reading).

Someone found my blog this month by googling "Poop Stall"....awesome!

I forgot the clever name of this post that I thought about earlier today.

Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I am without a doubt insane. I thought it was all the drugs I did in elementary school, middle school, high school, college and earlier today that caused my insanity, but really its just society. (Just kidding mom!)

-I eat everyday expecting that the calories won’t count.

-Everyday I circle around the free parking area outside my job and almost never find a spot.

-Everyday I go to bed expecting to wake up and have it be Saturday afternoon.

-Everyday (almost) I write on this blog. I don’t know what I expect, but it hasn’t been nearly as gratifying or therapeutic as I thought it may be.

-Every time I have sex I expect I will get pregnant. I never do…thanks birth control!

-Everyday I go to work expecting working will make me wealthy.

-Everyday I think of something that I may want to write about in this blog and exactly how to do it. I postpone writing it until later and it NEVER comes out how I thought it would, nor do I say what I thought about saying verbatim earlier in the day. Usually, I can’t remember what I was thinking at all.

-Everyday I work on building the courage to flick off a random stranger on the road for absolutely no reason, and everyday I believe I will do it. I never do.

-In general, I make the same poor choices over and over again.

I’ll end this post with some words of wisdom: Happiness is a warm bagel.

(This was the slogan on the back of the morbidly obese woman’s shirt in front of me in line at Chicken Kitchen).

Whoa...it happened.

Well it's finally happened. I really didn't think it would ever happen to me. I saw this scenario once on the Larry David show, and I honestly believed that it would never happen.

Earlier today I went to go eat sushi. I finished my meal and paid. Before heading to Starbucks, I thought I'd go to the bathroom. I had to poop. It happens to the best of us. The bathroom in my sushi place has 3 stalls. 2 small ones and one large beautiful handicapped stall.

Since this was going to be an extended experience, I chose the handicapped stall as I usually do (even if it was just number one). It's nicer, roomier, private sink, and metal bars in case I found myself in a scenario that I may need something to grip on to.

As I am busy doing my thing, one person comes in with a child. I hear them talking. I am almost finished but not quite ready yet. They try my stall door. When they find out it's locked. The woman says "someone is obviously in there". The child replies "But I need to go in the bigger one". At this point I am hurrying to wash my hands and collect my things. The woman says "well some people use the handicapped bathroom even though they aren't supposed to". Oh, fuck.

I open the door, the child is in a wheelchair and both the 4-5 year old girl and her grandmother are glaring at me. Fuck fuck fuck.

They didn't say anything mean- I said "I'm sorry" before rushing around them to leave. They didn't smile, they just looked really disappointed in me, and humanity as a whole. I am a terrible person.

Not only did I used the handicapped stall and forced a handicapped little girl to wait for me to finish. I had pooped and now she had to deal with my stall and the smell I imagine I left behind.

I will never use a handicapped bathroom again. I know I will again, probably later today even, but I will feel bad about it at least until tomorrow.

I've never had a good relationship with the handicapped come to think about it. I remember in high school there was a boy in a wheelchair that hated me. I don't know why, he just did. I remember once I entered a closed in hallway and he and I were the only ones in there, all the other students were in class. I was at one end and he was at the other. I needed to go though the hallway and get to the other door to get to my class. I look at him, he looks at me. I start walking in his direction and he starts wheeling in mine. As I am walking pretending I'm not terrified, he has his eyes fixed on me and starts going faster. He is literally at one point going as fast as he can, I'm walking at a slightly elevated pace concerned because he is coming straight for me. As we get closer about to pass he shifts his wheelchair direction and goes straight for me to ram me into the lockers. Because I have working legs (not to be mean, but this guy was a dick) I was able to just move quickly enough around him so he just rammed himself into the lockers and not me. I did not look back I basically just ran out of the hallway. I would say it was a scene out of a movie, but if it is, I haven't seen the movie yet.

Wow. Good times in high school. I imagine he is in jail now. I would Facebook him to see, but we never had the same classes and I never knew his name. To his credit I was walking through the air conditioned ESOL and special needs hallway, (the 500 hallway for those of you who went to school with me) and I didn't belong there. Regardless, he shouldn't have tried to kill me. High school violence is a tragedy everywhere, even when kids don't bring guns to school.