Calling 911

I have called 911 exactly 2 times in my life. The first time was in New York and some old lady at the local deli was lying on the floor. I was trying to get a bagel to get to class. I realized, mostly because she was staring right at me, that I was going to have to get involved. There were 2 store employees helping her up. She was crying. (When old people cry it’s the saddest thing in the whole world). I asked they people there “Is everything ok?” to which they responded “Yes, she does this all the time.” She was staring at me asking me to please call 911. The store people said not to. I didn’t want to turn down a crying old lady, so I said “Ok”. I called, I told 911 the situation. I gave them my name and the address of the deli. I finally got my bagel and I went to school.

The second time I called, I was in NY with friends of mine from out of town. We were next to a park and it was late at night. We had been drinking, and my friend didn’t feel like walking around the park to go home. NY closes some of their parks at night for safety. I insisted my friend walk around the park, he said ok and then jumped the fence. We all had to at this point to follow him. We crossed the very scary park and saw one bench lit by one street lamp. There was a guy standing up in front of another man on his knees. It looked like he was holding a gun to his head. They were arguing. So, we decided to run the rest of the way across the park. We finally got out and sat on the steps of my apartment discussing what we saw. I decided to call 911 and let them know. When I called, they said “Hello, Ms. *****, how can I help you?”. I was PISSED. I don’t want 911 to know my name. I don’t want to call them in a personal emergency and have them say “What is it now Erin?”. I told them the situation and hung up.

There may have been one more time that I called, but I don’t remember. On CNN today, there is a link to a 911 call where a guy called 911 asking them to please pick him up and take him to the store to buy beer. When they said they don’t do that, he asked ok can you please go the store and bring beer back to him. That’s pretty funny if you ask me. Interestingly enough though, the 911 operator didn’t know his name. Why do they only know me?

Wash Your Face Or You WILL Die

Readers, if you are touching your face right now…STOP..immediately. Apparently a man died in South Carolina by the flesh eating disease necrotizing fasciitis, most likely because the bacteria entered his body through a pimple. That is a really really shitty way to die. Not only do you go through the embarrassment of having a pimple at age 55 to begin with, your flesh all of your body then gets eaten by it. This, my friends, is what nightmares are made of. Any teenagers reading? Get ProActive today.

Another terrible death:

My cat murdered my frogs. For about a year I had 2 of those controversial water frogs that you can buy at Hallmark. They lived in a plastic case with a bamboo plant, rocks and water. We fed them once a week. Fry and Leela, the frogs, lived happily in their confined cube for almost two years until we got a kitten. Oh man, this is where it gets bad. We have a loft apartment, so there are no doors on our bedrooms and everything is open air, so basically the cat had access upstairs and downstairs. Neither of us, me and the bf, had ever seen the cat go upstairs since she was a small kitten with a broken leg. Just in case, we put the frogs on the highest dresser on the top floor. (We couldn’t lock them in the bathrooms as the frogs needed sunlight to survive). Please, imagine being the frogs in this situation. All of a sudden and enormous alien-looking creature starts staring at you through the fish-eye type glass. The creature is massive in comparison to your size. She probably hisses bad kitten breath on you. Then slowly starts pushing your living space little by little causing your water to shake. The frogs are probably looking at each other scared at this point. Then finally, the kitten makes her last push and the frogs watch each other and their home fall about 7 feet to a crash landing on the floor. They are no longer in water. Their tree and rocks are all over the place. They are both suffocating from lack of water. Then the alien monster cat returns and eats one of the frogs, right in front of the other one. Hopefully, the frogs are dead on impact but doubtful. Then the kitten goes to eat the last frog. How terrifying. It was hard to love my cat that day. We came home and went upstairs only to find a tragic murder scene. All the evidence of the crash landing was there, but not the bodies. Only one drop of blood around the corner in the apartment was all we could find. It could be the frog’s but most likely the cat cut itself on a piece of plastic. She was upstairs lying by the crime scene taking a nap. Sociopath.

Yearbooks

I went to my parent's house yesterday to gather some of my old artwork and things I may need to apply to school. (I'll tell you all about it if I get in.) Among many lost treasures, I found my freshman and senior year high school yearbooks. I must admit, it is a bit strange reading them 10 years after the fact. I wish I could go back to high school and have some people change things in their messages to me. Mentioning the fights we got in or how often I skipped school and went to Starbucks, were things I would rather not remember now. However, there were a lot of really funny messages that I thought I would share:

"Damn, it's been since the 3rd grade. That's a really long time. Have a great summer."

"I'm so glad you had Ms. F with me this year so I didn't kill the shiny-headed bitch!"

"I want you to have lots of fun, drink lots of beer, and kiss lots of boys."

"I had a lot of fun talking to you in Spanish class...WHEN YOU WERE THERE! I guess Starbucks is just more appealing than me. Thank you for always telling me you thought I was smart, even if you didn't mean it."

"You're a cool girl, and it's always refreshing to see someone who's different and not another fucking conformist". (One of 3 people who appreciated me for not being a conformist...thought that was funny in itself)

"When you go to New York and are in a coffee shop listening to jazz, picture me laughing at you and calling you a fag."

"I hate yearbooks. Love, B"

"Use condoms in sex and oral sex. Love, V"

"You've been a really cool "deep" person. I mean you are are not that stupid girl that hangs out w/ all the lesbians. Make sure your shits clean. Don't die."

"Waz up? Even though Ben says you're wierd. I think you're cool. Lets gang up on the people who took my scissors. Call me when you want to give me a B.J."

"Well its been simply raw chillin with you this year. Man I really wanted some head. Remember, the black stallion will always be here for you as a friend or for someone when you are extremely wet." (Gross, but funny)

My Favorite Yearbook Message of ALL TIME:

"Dear E-
     I really loved getting to know you good this year. It all started with a simple "sup" with a nod. Since then we've grown to become almost-lovers. You are a really cool white chick. I really like your style. I like your big coffee cups. J/K. You are cool-ass. That means cool. Moreover, you are smarter than you look. Don't worry that is not an insult. I like your great attitude and your not-stuck-up-ness. But most of all, I like your little black man. Thank you. P.S.- I hate Ms. F"

*Just a side note about this message. I found a tiny little black man in the crack of a sidewalk one day around school. The guy was less than an inch tall and was wearing a white shirt and overalls and had one hand raised up. I assume he was used in a small scale model of some sort and came off...but I loved him and carried him around in the change purse in my wallet for years.

More Olympics Commentary

Old man talking to his grandson:

30 years from now-

Grandson (GS): Grandpa, what did you do when you were my age?
Grandpa (GP): Well back in my day young men spent their time becoming athletes instead of sitting in front of the computer all day. We spent 10 years of our lives devoted to our sports to be in the Olympics.
GS: Were you in the Olympics Grandpa?
GP: Well yes son, I was. I walked 2 hours every day in the snow to get to my gym to train. I won a medal you know.
GS: Really???? In what?
GP: Trampoline
GS: Trampoline? Like the one at Timmy's house? Which medal did you win?
GP: Well, I won the bronze medal in Trampoline Artistry back in 2012.
GS: So you spent 10 years of your life practicing jumping on a trampoline and you were only 3rd best?
GP: Yes, it was an honor in those days. And it was 3rd best in the WORLD.
GS: That's sad.

Advice from your co-workers...

So imagine you work for this company- Company X for the purpose of this post.

You find out that the leadership of Company X has been involved in a fraud scandal. You recieve an email from the person in charge of Company X telling the staff about the situation and how the people responsible have been terminated and there may be more terminations moving forward.

This email goes out to the whole staff.

No big deal, a bit surprising of course but otherwise, you as an individual are fine.

Then one of the low-level staff members at Company X sends an email to the entire staff encouraging them to be strong and keep the faith etc...

What do you do? What would I hypothetically do if I recieved this type of email from someone I've never even met, you ask? I throw up in my mouth.

This is the type of email I am referring to in my hypothetical scenario:

In All Honesty...

My weaknesses:

- J Lo movies
- Jennifer Aniston movies
- The Notebook
- PS I love you
- Beer
- Most shows on primetime TV
- Having cash in my wallet
- Any TV show relating to pregnancy (I didn't know I was pregnant in particular)
- Any TV show relating to medicine (Untold Stories of the ER)
- Any TV show relating to human weakness (Hoarders, My secret addiction, Doomsday Preppers, Intervention)
- Any TV show related to weddings
- Reality shows involving black people
- Accents
- Subway musicians
- Homeless people with pets
- Macaroni and Cheese (Kraft)
- Blue eyes and dark hair
- People that think bad jokes are funny
- Assholes
- Guys that like me
- Musicians
- Obama's inauguration speech
- Stone Crab
- Romantic Comedies
- Vince Vaughn
- Huge Nerds
- Ghosts
- My secret vices
- Yellow X-Terras
- Anything I like but can't afford
- Little People
- Short story books that are funny
- Farts and Fart Jokes (Poop jokes as well)
- Challenges
- Space Ice Crean

I'm sure there is more but that's all for now.

Olympics/ Reunion Finale

Regarding my family reunion, it was really fun. The last day was the family Olympics. Each sector of the family has a different color and we compete against eachother in games like slip and slide, hula hoop snakes, water balloon tosses, egg diving relay races etc (if you don't know what any of those games are... Too bad).

After the games we have one big family goodbye dinner. This part is always special as you don't think you would, but you actually get sad to say goodbye. The kids cry, the adults hug and everyone goes thier seperate ways. We are now a family of 153 and growing. Basically, the general consensus among each member of the family is that breeding is mandatory. It's not something you do for yourself, it's a sacrifice you make to build the strength of your team for the reunion olympics. Angelina Jolie would be a god in our family.

Speaking of the Olympics, the real one, I'm struggling to understand what I find is so fascinating about them. I rarely to never watch sports on tv. If I was channel surfing and landed on beach volleyball, synchronized diving, swimming meats, track etc I would definitely without question change the channel... Unless its women's gymnastics which is like my crack.

Every night I have channel surfed through the Olympic games I have stayed stuck watching the entire night, usually past midnight. (my bed time is around 10).

Someone made the obvious comment to me today explaining my obsession with the games. "You watch because they are the best in the world".

No, that isn't it. If told me that the best beach volleyball player in the world was playing tonight at 8, I wouldn't watch it or waste my space on the DVR even to fast forward to the end. But when I caught the volleyball and men's gymnastics on Monday I was hooked. I cared about all of them in the same way I care and get concerned about the cast of Grey's Anatomy.

I recently downloaded the CNN app that sends me notifications of daily news headlines. CNN told me yesterday, before I watched the games, who won and I still watched every second. I feel like I am not alone in this obsession.

A good comparison would probably be the movie Titanic- we all knew what would happen. I saw it anyway, not once, but at least 4 times in the theater. I just don't get myself sometimes.